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if I must

1. I’m going to Mexico. HOLLA. and i just got my passport. so exciting

2. i love my cats more than anything and anyone and i believe animals help people more than we can help ourselves

3. my life sucks right now

4. school is hard but i’m also done and that’s scary

5. i want to go to grad school in milwaukee to become a librarian

6. i’ve never been so sure of anything except that i am meant to be a librarian and be around books

7. i’m shy wah sucks to be you

8. i will buy anything that is sparkly and pink and has cheetah print somewhere on it 

9. i love wine. nom

10. i love sushi more OMNOM

"Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it’ll always get you the right ones"

- John Lennon  (via 1112pm)

(Source: anne-lennon)

i am near tears i am so fucking angry. i just want someone to tell me WHY jennifer is so stupid. and not just stupid like oh she’s so dumb but just why she is so MENTALLY FUCKING STUPID. there’s no other excuse for her behavior. and i’m gonna feel bad for some of the stuff i’m saying if it was directed towards anyone else but her. but i have never hated someone so much that it physically hurt me. i can’t even think about her name anymore. and i wish someone could just tell me WHY i let this happen to me? why do i do this? why can’t i just live with a roommate and NOT have to move out? it shouldn’t be this difficult. and i’m pretty sure this entire thing is not my fault. i am not to blame for this. but it still happened. i’m so sick of people. and it scares me to say that but i seriously just about hate all of humanity. because i don’t know enough GOOD people. i get that people have flaws. but i truly feel that the people i know are conniving and evil and don’t deserve to even be on this earth. they shouldn’t be allowed to talk to other human beings.

so i’m gonna say some mean stuff because this is my blog and i can’t say this to anyone else.

first of all jennifer is hideous. she’s the grossest ugliest nastiest person i know. and not just because she’s ginormous but because she has a terrible personality. she doesn’t have any relationships because she has the social maturity of a 4 year old. all she does is makes fun of other people to their faces and laughs about it and expects it to be ok BUT when its turned around on her the world ends. if someone makes fun of jennifer or laughs at her then they are the worst person on the planet.

her dad has herpes. yeah jennifer guess fucking what? your fucking dad has herpes. so there. but did i tell you that? no i didn’t. so therefore i DID NOT bash on your god damn family. but you felt it entirely necessary to tell ME that my ex boyfriend treated me the same way my dad treats my mom. which is insulting four people in one fucking sentence. 

you will never be as good as anyone in your family. you will NEVER measure up to anyone in your family. and its your own fault. its because you’re stuck in an immature world where everything is everyone else’s fault and you can do no wrong. 

you are the most insecure person i have ever seen and it sickens me and disgusts me. i know i’m insecure but after witnessing the person you are it makes me want to change real fast. because YOU are pathetic. you are gross. 

you don’t deserve a relationship and you won’t get one. no one will be able to stand you 

you’re stupid. you’re just dumb. you think you make all the right decisions and you’re so grown up and you have it entirely wrong. you quit college one year in and you’re STILL paying off the debt. you have over 500 fucking movies which cost more money than i even care to count and you’re still paying that off. you work at ameriprise and you think you’re the coolest person in the world. you work customer service. you really think you’re special? you’re not.

no guy will ever come near you so quit pretending you think they will. it’s wishful thinking.

what you have said to me:

1. i’m a codependent bitch. wrong. do you know what the definition of codependent is? it’s when one person stays in a relationship where one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted. and let me inform you i’m not addicted to anything. 

2. you say i’m not moved out of the apartment yet because i can’t do anything alone and i can’t make any decisions. well first of all yeah i can’t move myself out of the fucking apartment cause i’m not the god damn hulk and i own a PT CRUISER. since when will a dresser and a bed even fit in that and since when does anyone move a fucking dresser alone? 

3. i’m a dumb bitch i’m a dumbass i’m stupid i’m in school for no reason and will never use my education. really? fucking really? and then i tell you that you quit everything which is true you can’t stay in an apartment with another person can you? fuck you. 

just fucking fuck you. i hope you’re right. i hope i am a bitch. because if thats what you think then fine. i stand up for myself. i don’t let YOU call all the shots or walk all over me or tell me what’s right. i’m not going to coddle you because you feel bad about yourself because you SHOULD feel bad about yourself you’re a terrible person. and if that makes me a bitch then i’m proud of that. 

i really dont know how to overcome how much i hate her and how much i regret a lot of things. i regret moving in with her. i regret moving in with helen and moving out of helens i regret everything with brian. i regret not doing better in school. i regret moving to stevens point with a friend. i regret living with a friend. 

basically these last four years have sucked way more than they’ve been good. each time i think it’s gonna get better it doesn’t something else happens. 

i hate my ex. i hate my dad for being an alcoholic and being a lazy piece of shit who doesn’t do anything that he says he’s gonna do. i hate my mom for being an enabler and not standing up for herself and being lazy and only working 20 hours a week and not moving out even tho she wants to and not divorcing my dad even tho she wants to i hate my brother for being a spoiled piece of shit who doesn’t do shit and thinks his life is SO god damn hard when he pretty much leads the easiest life possible to lead. i hate ashley for being immature and thinking its my fault i hate everyone who tells me to grow up because really? how the fuck am i not grown up?

so much homework. not enough time to do it.

ok just a little thing to say

first of all spending a weekend with your best friend in a town where you used to live is good for the self esteem. thinking about the future is good also

what’s NOT good? accounting exams. and the teacher emailed me back and said i suck at journal entries no shit because they don’t make fucking sense and i don’t care about them! and she did not say anything else that is really all that helpful. like hey you’re gonna fail get out while you can. ok thanks i will. nope none of that

"Can you imagine having sex, and then eating pasta? …. YUMMM."


(we’ve had a lot of wine)


first of all. SIXTY SEVEN days until I am in mexico. WHAT!? that can’t be true but it totally is. i can’t handle it. but i am so glad it’s happening. that means like fifty ish days until the end of the semester? maybe even less? which yes thank god because this semester is killing me but until it’s over it’s not going to get better. i have economics homework now on top of the stas, accounting, english, and business homework i already have. econ has math. didn’t know that. so that sucks. accounting is a rare form of torture and business is just plain boring. if i honestly stayed on top of everything i think i’d be doing a solid fifteen hours of homework a week. reading chapters, math problems, studying, quizzes, exams. seriously who invents this stuff? DOES it make us better people? or more specifically.. will it make me a better person? i want to be a librarian. i couldve done anything in undergrad as long as i get the degree that’s all that matters. but that basically means my undergrad career doesn’t matter at all. im hoping it’ll HELP me with grad school and with becoming a librarian.. but there’s no guarantee it will. i went to a librarian conference with my cousins and it was fab but so overwhelming. being a librarian is serious business. it’s a lot of pressure. and it made me jealous because everyone there WAS a librarian! i just wanted to be like hire meee nowwww. but with the semester ending that means i have only one more semester until i graduate. THAT is scary. and that means pretty soon i need to get really serious about actually putting in the grad school app that means filling it out writing a statement getting my references together getting my transcripts together taking the miller analogies test. then once i get accepted i have to figure out financial aid. 

this part of life is not a good time. i hate how everyone says omg your college years are the best years of your life don’t waste them enjoy them! they’re fucking NOT. i spent 90 percent of my time thinking about what i need to do NEXT stressing over what step i have to take today to reach my over all goal. who do i have to talk to, what paperwork do i have to fill out what meeting do i have to go to, all to become what i want to be. and then theres weekends spent drinking and getting the worst hangovers ever and wasting days away in bed watching netflix. IDK. what does it all mean? or theres the part where i spent my whole librarian conference not even thinking about my career but thinking about the fact that i wanted to find myself a librarian HUSBAND. seriously? what is wrong w me? actually what i want to do is go to grad school and find myself a hot tall dark handsome man workin on his phd. yes. please. 

but seriously. being a twenty something year old woman is hard. our bodies are changing and we have no choice but to accept that because some parts of our bodies just won’t be how we want them to be. no matter HOW hard we try. we have so much pressure. school becoming business women of some sort so we can MAKE something of ourselves and prove to the world we can work and caretake and clean and cook ALL at the same time. all in one day. on top of that our minds are so emotionally centered that we spend probably all day every day thinking about everything under the sun and stressing about it all even tho we pull it off flawlessly somehow. we are seriously superwomen. we deserve an award. 

i just had an extreme moment of self hatred. but the whole apartment thing hasn’t really sunk in yet. i don’t have a place of my own to live. all because of someone else. granted this is her fault and she’s the mentally unstable one and she’s the crazy one i still can’t help but thinking this is my fault too somehow. somehow i’m a shitty person. i have friends. seriously. idk why i think i don’t. and if i wanted to try hard enough i COULD hang out with someone. so again. idk why i’m being so down on myself. but i just feel like shit. i think it’s brian. even tho he’s a piece of shit. i still would rather be with him than alone. what is wrong w me!? i don’t even KNOW if i’d be happier alone because i won’t let myself. all i think is oh brians a shithead but i’d rather be w him than alone. i can’t do that to myself.

and on top of that. what if i DO get in trouble for giving the work computer a virus? fuck.

this is my fault but on top of EVERYTHING else i totally bombed my first intro to business exam. so i have to get 100’s on the next three exams or i’ll get a C in the class if i’m lucky. it should be possible. i haven’t even started my economics class but once it starts i have to keep up with that. because accounting is kicking my ass. i spent two hours on the homework and i only got a 70 percent on it. i might have to go to tutoring for that. at least once or twice to try to up my chances. i cant just pretend it’s not happening cause it is happening and i cannot fail. if i fail i don’t graduate. if i get terrible grades my ALREADY sketchy gpa gets even sketchier. and then i won’t get into grad school. except i think thats not an option. i’m pretty sure i’ll get into milwaukee. and milwaukee is better than madison for library science. and that’s my dream  and no matter what i have to remember that.