install theme

first of all. SIXTY SEVEN days until I am in mexico. WHAT!? that can’t be true but it totally is. i can’t handle it. but i am so glad it’s happening. that means like fifty ish days until the end of the semester? maybe even less? which yes thank god because this semester is killing me but until it’s over it’s not going to get better. i have economics homework now on top of the stas, accounting, english, and business homework i already have. econ has math. didn’t know that. so that sucks. accounting is a rare form of torture and business is just plain boring. if i honestly stayed on top of everything i think i’d be doing a solid fifteen hours of homework a week. reading chapters, math problems, studying, quizzes, exams. seriously who invents this stuff? DOES it make us better people? or more specifically.. will it make me a better person? i want to be a librarian. i couldve done anything in undergrad as long as i get the degree that’s all that matters. but that basically means my undergrad career doesn’t matter at all. im hoping it’ll HELP me with grad school and with becoming a librarian.. but there’s no guarantee it will. i went to a librarian conference with my cousins and it was fab but so overwhelming. being a librarian is serious business. it’s a lot of pressure. and it made me jealous because everyone there WAS a librarian! i just wanted to be like hire meee nowwww. but with the semester ending that means i have only one more semester until i graduate. THAT is scary. and that means pretty soon i need to get really serious about actually putting in the grad school app that means filling it out writing a statement getting my references together getting my transcripts together taking the miller analogies test. then once i get accepted i have to figure out financial aid. 

this part of life is not a good time. i hate how everyone says omg your college years are the best years of your life don’t waste them enjoy them! they’re fucking NOT. i spent 90 percent of my time thinking about what i need to do NEXT stressing over what step i have to take today to reach my over all goal. who do i have to talk to, what paperwork do i have to fill out what meeting do i have to go to, all to become what i want to be. and then theres weekends spent drinking and getting the worst hangovers ever and wasting days away in bed watching netflix. IDK. what does it all mean? or theres the part where i spent my whole librarian conference not even thinking about my career but thinking about the fact that i wanted to find myself a librarian HUSBAND. seriously? what is wrong w me? actually what i want to do is go to grad school and find myself a hot tall dark handsome man workin on his phd. yes. please. 

but seriously. being a twenty something year old woman is hard. our bodies are changing and we have no choice but to accept that because some parts of our bodies just won’t be how we want them to be. no matter HOW hard we try. we have so much pressure. school becoming business women of some sort so we can MAKE something of ourselves and prove to the world we can work and caretake and clean and cook ALL at the same time. all in one day. on top of that our minds are so emotionally centered that we spend probably all day every day thinking about everything under the sun and stressing about it all even tho we pull it off flawlessly somehow. we are seriously superwomen. we deserve an award. 

i just had an extreme moment of self hatred. but the whole apartment thing hasn’t really sunk in yet. i don’t have a place of my own to live. all because of someone else. granted this is her fault and she’s the mentally unstable one and she’s the crazy one i still can’t help but thinking this is my fault too somehow. somehow i’m a shitty person. i have friends. seriously. idk why i think i don’t. and if i wanted to try hard enough i COULD hang out with someone. so again. idk why i’m being so down on myself. but i just feel like shit. i think it’s brian. even tho he’s a piece of shit. i still would rather be with him than alone. what is wrong w me!? i don’t even KNOW if i’d be happier alone because i won’t let myself. all i think is oh brians a shithead but i’d rather be w him than alone. i can’t do that to myself.

and on top of that. what if i DO get in trouble for giving the work computer a virus? fuck.

this is my fault but on top of EVERYTHING else i totally bombed my first intro to business exam. so i have to get 100’s on the next three exams or i’ll get a C in the class if i’m lucky. it should be possible. i haven’t even started my economics class but once it starts i have to keep up with that. because accounting is kicking my ass. i spent two hours on the homework and i only got a 70 percent on it. i might have to go to tutoring for that. at least once or twice to try to up my chances. i cant just pretend it’s not happening cause it is happening and i cannot fail. if i fail i don’t graduate. if i get terrible grades my ALREADY sketchy gpa gets even sketchier. and then i won’t get into grad school. except i think thats not an option. i’m pretty sure i’ll get into milwaukee. and milwaukee is better than madison for library science. and that’s my dream  and no matter what i have to remember that.

kinda freaking out. i have a lot of shit to do.

apply for grad school and i have to take an ACT-like test because i don’t have a 3.0 (FUCK) but i’ll do it and i’ll get in.

i have to figure out financial aid

i have to figure out where to live in milwaukee (ALONE)

i have to pass my accounting class.. if i could do it w a C i would be ecstatic

and what am i doing? watching new girl and eating pizza and apple crisp and chips and cheese. 


"And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself."

- (via ellie-sigh)

(Source: irynka)


Lays is really going all out on these new flavors lately